I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
