Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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