ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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