Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
