apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
