it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
