I will die if light touches me.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
