we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Let's paint friendship bongs
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
