I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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