Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
