My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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