i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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