Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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