Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
