I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
