My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
