Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
