There is no way he is gay with that hair.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
