You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
