The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
