I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
sarcasm needs its own font
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
