just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
