Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
