you lied. pity sex is amazing.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
