I'm going to jail i love you
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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