You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
