I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
