I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
