Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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