he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
