I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
