So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I booty called her while she was in labor.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
