Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
People in love make me want to vomit
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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