I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
