She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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