So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
