Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
