I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
