Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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