In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I smell stomach acid.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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