i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Randomize
