Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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