Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
