did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
