I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
