It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
