I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
