I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
