I bet he comes in French.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
my being single is dangerous.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
