She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
