bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
