I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Welp...herpes.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
