I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
