I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
