fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
